Losing Your Memory
by ChocolateKiss1995
Summary: Toby must help heal Spencer in the aftermath of -A's most dangerous attack yet that has left her best friend dead. (AU as of 4x20).
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I wrote this and posted it last February but I decided to post all my work as separate oneshots now as well. **

**Prompt:_ Could you please write a one shot of Toby comforting Spencer because A is finally unmasked and shot Aria and killed her? I would love to read that!_ - SunlightHurtsMyEyes**

**Read and Review!**

It had been five hours. Five hours since Toby had been lying on his bed in the loft, sleeping peacefully. Five hours since he had been dreaming of Spencer, one day being there with him, sleeping side by side. Five hours since he'd last longed to feel her in his arms.

He never imagined she'd be in his arms for this reason though.

Fifteen minutes past midnight, Toby had received a call from a very distraught Veronica Hastings. She didn't say much but she said something had happened and Spencer needed him.

Toby had run three lights just to get to the hospital, almost trampling a nurse getting off her shift on the way into the ER waiting room. Looking around that sullen room caused him to feel two things. Guilt. Horrible, gut-wrenching guilt. And then relief.

Mike Montgomery was sitting in a standard waiting room chair, his face in his hands, his back hunched downwards, bawling his eyes out as a redheaded, mid-forties nurse was rubbing his back, trying to console him. Ella Montgomery was in Ashley Marin's arms, making choking noises and heaving like she was going to vomit. And Byron was nowhere to be seen.

He searched through crowded waiting room, looking for his brunette girlfriend, only to find her completely curled up in her mother's lap.

Toby sprinted over to where they were sitting, kneeling down to Spencer's level. "Spence?" Toby's voice was barely above a whisper but it shocked Spencer out of her trance. Almost instantly, she had her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. Veronica willingly let her go from her arms into her boyfriend's, standing up to go find her husband.

Toby replaced Veronica in the chair, wrapping his coat around Spencer's shaking and blood covered body. He rocked her, side to side, trying to find anyway to console her but he knew it was useless.

Over Spencer's messy brown curls, he spotted Emily bawling with her parents on either side and Paige sitting in front of her, and Hanna sitting somewhat on top of Caleb with her father shuffled off to the side, unsure of what to say or do.

Obviously the fourth friend's absence meant something more. Pain filled his heart as he looked at Spencer's bright pink, soaked face where her tears and spit and snot all ran together as she heaved out incoherent words. Aria was Spencer's best friend. End all, turn to in your darkest hour, there's no one else I could say this to, best friend.

Toby kissed Spencer's head, unsure how to feel. Because as much as his heart broke for everyone in the waiting room, Spencer wasn't the one hurt and he couldn't help the immense relief that came with that knowledge.

Peter Hastings took up residence next to him, his eyes completely bloodshot as if he'd been crying too. His hoarse voice gave him away but Toby knew better than to mention it. "The police wanted to question Spencer." Peter stated, vacantly. "I told them they could go to hell."

Toby almost smiled in appreciation for the fact that her parents were such hard ass attorneys, not even the cops wanted to piss them off. "What hap-Did they catch-was it..." Toby trailed off, completely unsure of what to say. Did the girls' parents know about -A? Is mentioning the event in such close proximity to Spencer only putting salt into her fresh wound? Did Peter even know what was going on? It's not like he really had much interest in his daughter's life before.

"Do you mean, was it -A?" Peter raised an eyebrow, his voice still hoarse.

Toby didn't say anything else, as his arms tightened around Spencer's skinny little body, hugging her closer to him. After ten minutes of complete silence between the two men, both listening to the never ending spout of shrieks and sobs and pleads, Veronica returned from down the hall with her eldest daughter in tow. Toby almost rolled his eyes at the sight of Spencer's older, perfect, conniving sister. But much to his surprise, Melissa sat down next to Toby with a very kind expression on her face.

Veronica made way to Peter, inquiring what was going on. Peter whispered something back and cut his eyes towards their youngest.

"Come on, honey," Her mother said as she knelt down in front of Spencer. "Let's go for a walk, stretch your legs."

"N-n-no," Spencer shook her head, having to squint to open her eyes, her sobs making it hard to speak. "Aria," Was all she said.

Veronica smoothed her hair back, wiping a tear with her thumb, "Its okay, honey."

"Mommy, she's dead." Her voice broke on the last word before Veronica pulled her into her arms, carefully pulling her off Toby's lap, hugging her into her left side. Peter and Melissa both waited until Veronica had taken Spencer down the hall and disappeared before speaking.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to make Spencer relive it," Peter explained, looking down at his hands. "God knows, this is going to put her right back into Radley." Toby could tell Peter was only trying to find the words in this dire situation.

When Toby didn't respond, Melissa cut in. "What happened, Dad?" Her voice seemed stretched, like she didn't understand what was going on.

"Aria Montgomery was murdered," Peter stated, not meeting eye contact with anyone. "-A shot her. In the chest. And she died at the scene." Toby couldn't help the way his mouth fell open. It was so much worse than he even thought.

Melissa made a choking sound. "Oh my God."

Toby felt numb. "-A just shot her? For no reason?"

Peter fixed him with a strange look. "Is there ever a reason to shoot someone?"

Toby struggled to correct his former word choice when Melissa cut in, "You know what he means!" Never did Toby think he'd see the day where Spencer's snob of a sister defended him.

Peter sighed, slouching over. "It was Ezra."

Almost as a reflex reaction, Toby's eyes searched for Ezra around the waiting room. Nowhere was the teacher who just so happened to be dating one of his most prominent students. Nowhere in the crowd of Aria's closest loved ones was the man she'd dedicated two years to.

Peter's words rang in Toby's head. "Ezra is -A?" Toby blurted out.

Melissa looked just as shocked. "Dad, you can't be-"

"Your sister confirmed it." Peter stated, firmly.

"She's been wrong before," Toby added in disbelief. About him. About killing Alison, about his intentions on the -A team, about his love for her. But somehow this didn't feel like a simple misunderstanding. Because if Ezra was in love with Aria, he'd be in this waiting room.

If Ezra was on the -A team, then he wasn't on it for the same reasons as Toby. Toby would have jumped in front of the bullet before it even got a thousand feet near Spencer.

"So Ezra shot Aria and then what?" Melissa tried to keep her voice down, hoping it didn't carry to Aria's parents. Reliving the tale would be just as bad for them as it was for Spencer.

"Then Hanna and Emily caught up to them," Peter said solemnly. "Emily called 911. Hanna tried to revive Aria." He still wasn't meeting eye contact.

"When did Spencer arrive?" Toby asked, fearing the answer.

The truth was worse than his fears. "Spencer was with Aria when it happened," Peter choked out. "Spencer tried to save her, she tried to bring her back. . . . by the time Hanna and Emily got there, Spencer was lying on top of. . . . Aria's body." He couldn't hold back the tears now. "Hanna said she believed they'd both been shot until Spencer started screaming."

Melissa looked like she wanted to gag.

Toby was about to.

Peter sighed, looking at his watch. "Let's go find Spencer and Veronica." He didn't wait for an answer before standing up. It was then that Toby noticed majority of the waiting room was gone.

Melissa grabbed Toby's arm, much to Toby's shock. His girlfriend's sister always had regarded him the same way you'd regard expired milk.

Both of them followed Peter Hastings down the long white halls that they'd all become too familiar with. It wasn't long though before Peter guided them into an unoccupied hospital room. Inside the room, Pam Fields was standing by the window, her hand to her mouth. Caleb was sitting with his back against the wall next to Tom Marin, looking dejected. Toby didn't even know Caleb was back from Ravenswood.

Paige was resting her head on the arm of the chair Emily was sitting in. Emily was sobbing, her head buried in her hands. Wayne Fields was trying to comfort her in some way, his forehead resting on the side of her face, murmuring words Toby couldn't hear. Ashley Marin was sitting on the edge of a hospital bed, with Hanna's head taking residence in her lap. Ashley's hand ran through her only child's hair, her mouth stuck open but no sounds coming out. She had no words to console her hysterical daughter. Behind them was Veronica, lying horizontal on the hospital bed with Spencer, sobbing into her mother's chest, shaking worse than anyone else.

Peter quickly stepped forwards, hurrying to Spencer's side but the girl just wanted her mom. Melissa stayed stationary to Toby's side, unsure what to do. After ten minutes Toby realized he'd slide down next to Caleb and Tom.

Caleb didn't have to say a word for Toby to know he felt guilty. He wished he'd been there, just like with Emily in the Lighthouse.

Toby nodded in understanding. He wished he'd been there too. He could have stopped this. Could have knocked Aria out of the way. Could have prevented them from taking that route that led them to Aria's imminent death. Could have taken the bullet.

Part of him knew though, that Spencer would be just as bad off if this was him. After all, how could he forget the reason she was institutionalized.

Toby wished Mona was here. Or Jenna. Or Alison. Someone who he could hit and take his anger out on, who deserved it. He tried not to dwell on the fact that they were all girls.

A few minutes later Tom got up and went to his ex-wife and daughter, speaking quietly, as not to upset Hanna. All the parents in the room began to whisper until, after what felt like an eternity, Peter approached Toby. "We think it'd be best to take the girls home now," He stated, clearly struggling to speak. "Hanna and Emily are going home with their parents but . . . Veronica and I need to go to the police station. Talk to the cops. We need to or else they're going to bring the girls in for questioning tonight and. . . ." He didn't need to continue for Toby and Caleb to both understand.

"Don't the girls usually have sleepovers after things like this?" Caleb asked, speaking for the first time. "You know, after big events, don't they feel weird about separating?"

The silence that followed answered the question. The now trio didn't want to have a sleepover without Aria. It only made the empty space that much more obvious.

After a few more minutes of silence, Caleb went to join Hanna and her parents on the end of the bed. Toby waited for Spencer's father to speak again.

"Spencer's mother and I were hoping you'd take Spencer and Melissa home. . . . Stay the night," The words were difficult for her father to ask but he seemed to be sincere.

"Of course, Mr. Hastings," Toby nodded, choking back a lump in his throat he didn't know formed. He gracelessly slid himself up from the wall and made his way over to Spencer, who was now back in her mother's lap. Melissa was rubbing her back, still with the same unsure expression. It was clear that being unsure was something Melissa Hastings didn't experience often.

Veronica now had tears in her eyes but her voice didn't betray her emotions. "Oh, sweetie," She whispered, petting Spencer's hair. "It's okay, honey."

After a few minutes, Spencer's raspy voice filled the room. "I want Toby," She whispered.

Veronica released her, pulling back. "He's right behind you, honey."

As if a reflex, Spencer turned and reached for him, practically flying into Toby's embrace. Instantly, Toby felt his heart swell, holding Spencer as close as humanly possible. It could have been her. She could have been the one shot.

"Spence," Toby whispered, his tears falling into her hair. "Oh my God, Spencer," He shook his head, rocking her from side to side as she buried her entire face into his shoulder.

Toby didn't know how long he stood there, holding her like a man who finally found water after walking through the desert, but when he looked up, Caleb was walking out, gripping Hanna's left arm with Ashley gripping her right, half carrying the inconsolable blonde.

Melissa nodded towards the door, signaling for Toby to head towards the car. He made sure his coat was tight around Spencer before bending and grabbing her thighs, holding her underneath. On instinct, her arms wrapped around his neck and her legs found his waist.

Melissa walked five feet ahead of them on the way down the hall. She clearly had no idea what to do or say to her sister. Once to his truck, Melissa waited for Toby to slide Spencer in before climbing in herself.

Spencer had never been shy about her animosity towards Melissa or the sibling rivalry, so Toby was shocked when Spencer huddled into her sister's side on the way home.

Melissa said nothing but ran her fingers through her little sister hair. "Shhhh," She whispered in her ear.

It didn't escape Toby's notice how the sound hushed Spencer's cries.

Pulling into the Hastings estate, Melissa unbuckled Spencer and helped Toby move her to her room. "I'll be in the barn if you need me," Melissa said to Toby as they settled Spencer on top of her bed.

"Melissa, I think she needs you tonight," Toby stated, looking at Spencer's tearful form.

Melissa didn't rethink her decision to give the young couple space. "Toby, what Spencer always needs is you," She stated, softly. "In case you forgot, you're her safe place to land."

The reminder of the nickname struck a chord in Toby. He was her safe place to land. He remembered hearing her say that, he had realized that he'd fallen in love with her. He didn't say it then because he knew it was too soon but he'd felt it. He still felt it. Just as strong as he had in that moment, if not stronger now.

He also remembered the promise he'd made her directly after.

_"If you need anything tonight, I'll be there for you."_

It was time to keep that promise. After every one of the promises he'd broken, that she'd refused to hold him accountable for, Toby knew he needed to keep this one.

Carefully peeling the coat away from Spencer's body, Toby realized though, the enormity that his girlfriend had just been through. There was blood soaking her clothes, staining her arms and hands, matting her hair, on her neck and chin. It had probably gotten on him but he didn't bother checking.

Toby hugged Spencer's sobbing body to his, rocking her back and forth once again. "Spence," He breathed into her hair. "I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so so sorry."

Spencer's cries turned to shrieks, "She was my best friend." She let out between heaves, squeezing her eyes shut.

Toby pulled her over to the end of her red chair, tugging her into a straddling position, her sitting on his lap, his hand on the back of her head, rubbing it soothingly. "I'd bring her back to you if I could, Spence. You know I'd give you to moon and stars if I could."

After twenty minutes of nonstop crying, Toby shifted positions, sitting Spencer on the ground, between his legs. Then, very carefully, he began to remove her sweatshirt, carefully setting it off to the side, making sure the blood didn't seep into the furniture. Toby delicately moved Spencer to lean back against the red chair, giving him access to her front side. He quickly unbuttoned her shirt, inspecting her arms and chest when it was removed. Desperate to get Spencer out of her blood soaked clothing, he didn't hesitate to tug her yellow cotton tank top up either.

"So much blood," Spencer cried, barely able to make out whole sentences. "It's everywhere and it's never going away," She hiccupped. "I just want it to go away!" She screamed, struggling to get out of her bra.

Quickly coming to her aid, Toby reached and unhooked the petite bra that was digging into her pale back, catching it when Spencer threw off her chest. "Spence," Toby whispered, unsure of what to say. Just when he was going to continue though, Spencer turned to reveal red stains marring her entire upper body. Immediately Toby went into panic mode. "Spencer, sweetheart, are you hurt?" The quickest route from her house to the hospital played in his mind. How fast could he get Melissa from the barn? How could he reach her parents?

"Toby!" Spencer's voice broke him out of his revive. "I'm not hurt!" Her voice still sounded shaky, like an amplified whimper or cry. "I just-I want this-this blood off me! I'm going to rip off this entire layer of my skin, I swear to God!" She exploded, the tears still hitting her cheeks fast. "I'm going-I'm going," Before she could finish, Toby stood up and wrapped her in a bone crushing hug, rubbing her back softly.

They stood there and stood there as Toby cradled her head between his arm and his shoulder, wiping her tears with his other hand. She wasn't done crying, not even close, but Toby had a very keen sense that she wouldn't be done for quite a while. He remembered after getting the news his mom had passed, how long he'd sat in his room and cried. How long his dad had cried. Toby remembered how long it took for him to feel alright again. He remembered how nothing could make him feel better.

And Spencer had done this before. Her best friend-and conniving queen bee-was murdered three years prior.

Before Toby could really get angry about how cruel the world was to Spencer, he knew he needed to get her clean and settled in bed. Maybe then she'd be calmer. Maybe then, she would be able to take a deep breath.

Releasing her from his embrace and bending down slightly, Toby removed her boots, her socks, her jeans and her underwear. Spencer didn't hesitate to curl herself around him when he lifted her back into his arms, walking to the grandmaster bathroom down the hall. Carefully sitting her in the tub before kneeling down to the side and starting the water, Toby adjusted the temperature to her exact liking.

Spencer's hand broke the surface as the water began filling up. She touched his face gently. "Thank you for staying with me tonight." Wordlessly, he turned his head to kiss the palm of her hand.

"Always, Spencer." He whispered. "If you ever need me, I will find a way to you. Even if I've left town, I don't want you to feel like I've left you alone. I love you. No time, no change and no distance can take that away."

Once the bathtub was full, Toby quickly got to work. He pulled out a fresh bar of soap from the cabinet, lathering up his hands and proceeded to gently scrub her arms, until there wasn't a trace of blood on them. Repeating his same actions on her collarbone wasn't difficult, but by the time he got to her chest, he'd almost used up the entire bar of soap.

Standing up, he quickly murmured, "I'll be right back," to his despondent girlfriend who was lying with her head resting the back of the tub. Searching the cabinet once more, Toby found a whole row of _Dove_ soap. Grabbing two, Toby returned to the bathroom.

Looking down into the tub though, he realized the water had turned bright red as if blood had filled the tub. Terrified by how Spencer would react to being surrounded in red liquid for the second time tonight, Toby gently lifted Spencer into a standing position and drained the tub.

"Toby?" She stated, surprised by the sudden change in position. Her vision was still blurred from her nonstop tears. He wondered if she even knew she was still crying.

"Hang on, Spence. Just gotta give you fresh water, that's all," He watched as the potentially traumatizing liquid moved towards the drain.

After the water was drained and fresh water was supplied Toby guided Spencer to lie back down, her head now resting on a rolled up towel around the back of the tub. He began to appreciate how far Spencer had come in her trust towards him, the boy who she'd been sure was a pervert and a killer, now the boy she trusted to scrub the blood off her body and protect her at night.

Toby wasn't surprised that it took almost an entire soap bar and a half hour of gentle rubbing to get her stomach clean. It didn't take long to wash her below the waist though, as the blood stains weren't substantial there. He did have to drain the tub once again, after finishing her legs. But instead of making her stand up again, when she looked so peaceful, Toby drained the tub with her in it and then gave her resting body a rinse with the shower head.

Spencer didn't react much to the water being sprayed down at her. She didn't react much to Toby refilling the tub, to him making her sit up, to anything. She just laid there and allowed Toby to shift her in order to cleanse her body.

Toby washed Spencer's hair, gently and thoroughly cleaning all the blood out of it. It took an entire bottle of shampoo but at last, she was clean and had not a speck of blood on her.

When all was said and done, it ended up being ten past four in the morning before Toby was getting Spencer to relax. After her bath, Toby had towel dried and brushed her hair into silky waves, he'd dressed her in a pair of panties and his blue anchor shirt that she'd stolen-and replaced his own shirt that was covered in blood with another shirt she'd taken from him. Toby had given her water, washed her face, brought her extra blankets, even rubbed lotion into the back of her legs.

But he couldn't do the one thing she wanted most. Bring back her tiny best friend.

When the clock read four thirty, Toby moved Spencer to the rocking chair, the one he'd built with his own two hands. He moved his lips on a continuous route between the crown of her head, her forehead and her temple. His lap was her sole place of comfort and so he kept his antics up, hoping in some way he was making it better.

Five hours since he'd gotten the call from Veronica Hastings. Five hours since Toby had been lying on his bed in the loft, sleeping peacefully. Five hours since he had been dreaming of Spencer, one day being there with him, sleeping side by side. Five hours since he'd last longed to feel her in his arms.

But he didn't wish for this to be the reason.


	2. Chapter 2

**Once again, here's the prompt: _Could you please write a one shot of Toby comforting Spencer because A is finally unmasked and shot Aria and killed her? _**

Eventually Toby moved Spencer back into her bed, climbing in with her. He kissed her eyelids, knowing she was still awake. He stroked her face, wiping away the tears with his fingertips. He stroked her hair, gently. When she rolled on her side, he slipped his hand inside the back of her shirt, giving her a back rub. He did anything he could think of.

Toby didn't even know he'd fallen asleep until her parents arrived home. Neither one of them raised an eyebrow over him sleeping in her bed. Somehow in the time he'd been asleep, Spencer had literally climbed on top of him, her entire body lying on his.

Veronica didn't say a word about it though. She shut her husband up with just a look.

Toby understood that look. Their little girl was in pain and if Toby was helping, her mother wasn't going to interfere.

He wondered sometimes how Spencer couldn't see how much her parents loved her.

Toby held Spencer for the rest of the night. When she woke up, he just continued rubbing her back or stroking her hair. They didn't move until Spencer had to use the bathroom and even then she towed him with her by hand.

Two days later, Spencer developed a low grade fever. Her father insisted she see a physician. Her mom thought it was a completely rational response to what her child had endured. So they compromised and made a house call.

The doctor that arrived saw Spencer in her room, as she refused to leave her bed. Toby immediately went to give them some privacy but she wouldn't let him leave, merely wrapping her fingers around his forearm and tugging weakly. Toby was afraid to refuse her anything at this point, so he climbed back into the huge bed and tried to stay out of the way.

The doctor was kind but Spencer remained less than receptive, ignoring the physician's requests.

"Sweetie, can you please sit up for me?" The middle aged man asked, trying to be gentle.

The only response he got was a blank stare. The same stare that had masked her face since waking up after the first night. Toby had grown to honestly despise that stare, the one that took his love away and buried her ten feet under water.

Toby eventually intervened and wrapped an arm around Spencer's shoulders, propping her up so the doctor could examine her. The older man seemed to realize Spencer mainly responded to her boyfriend and looked at Toby for his requests instead of the petite brunette.

Several times Spencer squirmed away from the doctor's glance, seemingly fed up with everyone around her. Toby was too. He wanted her to be left alone to grieve in peace, not being bothered by random men with stethoscopes, trying to make a few extra dollars from a concerned, wealthy family.

After the doctor had examined her thoroughly he concluded nothing was wrong with her. Peter was relieved. Veronica rolled her eyes and said she knew it, mentioning her mothering instinct. Spencer just flopped on her back, rolled over and began hugging Toby as if he was her lifeline.

From then on, the only time Toby could get Spencer out of bed was to pee. She didn't eat anything so there was nothing to digest. The only thing Toby could get her to drink was water-and he made her guzzle lots of it. Nothing on TV was interesting to her anymore. Books were irrelevant. She'd all but lost her phone. And she didn't want to see Hanna or Emily.

They were closer of the four. They had a special relationship, much like the one Spencer and Aria had.

Three days after the doctor left, there was a knock on the door. Veronica-who was now sleeping in her daughter's red chair nightly-went to answer it. Spencer showed no sign of reaction until the figure approached the door frame to Spencer's bedroom.

Toby hardly recognized Hanna Marin, the usually put together It Girl. Her blonde hair looked like it hadn't been washed in days, black mascara marks marred her cheeks vertically, her nose was runny and red as Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer.

Hanna didn't hesitate to climb in bed, occupying the opposite side of Toby, completely ignoring the fact that her best friend had turned onto her side away from her. Toby watched for Spencer's reaction, only to see Spencer eventually wrap her arms around her blonde best friend and buried her face in Hanna's shoulder. He felt himself let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. He'd never seen the connection before between his brainiac, witty, high strung girlfriend and her blonde, carefree, appearance orientated best friend until now. Hanna didn't give Spencer the option of turning her away and sometimes Spence needed a little push.

Hanna spent the night that night but neither girl seemed to sleep soundly. Toby tried rubbing Spencer's back but he felt awkward, afraid of slipping his hand up the wrong girl's shirt.

Caleb arrived the next morning, not at all surprised to find his girlfriend-or ex-girlfriend or whatever they were now-inside her best friend's bed. He was at little taken back by Toby being on the other side but comprehension struck his face when he saw Spencer's right arm and leg wrapped around Toby, pinning him to the bed.

Hanna eventually left with Caleb, needing to be helped out of the house by both Caleb and Mrs. Hastings.

The following Sunday, Melissa knocked on her baby sister's door, alerting Toby instead of Spencer. The solemn expression on her face gave away that the day he'd been dreading had finally arrive.

Aria's funeral.

Spencer paid as much attention to her sister as she did the doctor. It took nearly twenty minutes to get her out of bed, not because she was throwing a fit or having a tantrum-Toby almost preferred that to the emptiness in her eyes-but because no one wanted to push her. Not today of all days.

Veronica suggested Spencer shower, seeing as she hadn't bathed since the night Toby brought her home. He realized very quickly he had no idea how many days had passed.

Melissa and Veronica offered to help her but Spencer merely shook her head and looked at Toby, her eyes fixed on his completely. Knowing from past experiences that looking into her big brown orbs only served in her getting her way, he nodded to her unasked request.

The fact that her parents knew they were showering together should be been uncomfortable or awkward but neither Toby nor the Hastings really cared about anything outside of Spencer's wellbeing at the moment.

After their shower Toby got dressed in Melissa's old room, leaving Spencer with her mother and sister. Wondering downstairs slowly, he quietly joined Peter Hastings on the bar stools.

Peter didn't even look up before handing Toby a bottle of Whiskey. "No, sir-" Toby started to refuse when his girlfriend's father interrupted.

"I think we could all use a little bit of a relaxer today."

Without thinking twice, Toby took a swig before passing it back and waiting for his girlfriend to join them. Time seemed to stand still but after what seemed like hours and hours-and it very well may have been-Toby heard footsteps coming gracelessly down the stairs.

Turning around, the girl before him resembled nothing of the girl he'd left in her bedroom. Her hair had been blow dried and styled into loose flowing ringlets all the way down her back, her dress had long, lacy sleeved but was short and cut low in the chest area. Her makeup looked like it'd been done by a professional Hollywood makeup artist. And her heels were high and made her look statuesque.

Without a stopping after stepping off the staircase, she made her way over to her boyfriend. "Hi," She said timidly.

Toby didn't think he'd ever seen her timid. Bringing her hand up to his mouth, he whispered, "You look beautiful."

Unexpectedly, tears formed in her eyes and before he could think twice, Toby tugged Spencer straight into his arms, pulling her head onto his shoulder, kissing her tears away, rocking her from side to side.

Over her head, Toby swore he saw Peter mouth 'thank you' but he couldn't be sure.

Arriving at the funeral was easier than Toby imagined. People had actually left a spot open for the Hastings, and just like Ali's funeral, the now trio all sat with the grieving family.

After walking Spencer to her seat next to Emily with Hanna on the other side, Toby was surprised when Caleb tugged on his arm, only to find he'd had a seat reserved directly behind his girlfriend.

The funeral was a blur. The pastor spoke and said nice things, everyone was silent except for a child crying in the back and the music was fairly typical of a funeral. It reminded Toby of the service his mother had been given. Maybe that was just because they'd both been murdered. Maybe they were together, looking down on the people who loved them, now with all the answers.

Toby spent the majority of the service watching Spencer though. Her tears started before the pastor spoke, her hand was joined with Emily's, who was also crying, her shoulders shook at certain points in the funeral and he saw her free hand ball up, digging her nails into her palm. Caleb nudged Toby when Hanna reached behind her for Caleb to hand her the black purse he was holding. She slyly slipped out a flask and handed it to Spencer. Toby returned Caleb's expression as Spencer, very discretely, took a drink.

Before Toby knew it, it was done.

Spencer stayed sitting as Ella and Byron went up and looked into the casket. Toby had no idea how they managed to clean up a girl who died of a bullet wound but he wisely chose not to voice it. Mike Montgomery went up as his parents exited the church, staring into the casket for a good solid four minutes before high tailing it for the door.

Hanna and Emily went up together but Spencer chose to stay back. As her two best friends looked into the casket that now held her third, Toby put his hand on her shoulder. Reluctantly she placed her hand on top of his and squeezed.

As soon as Hanna and Emily walked away from the coffin, Caleb and Paige stood up to meet their girlfriends.

Toby exited the row with them, following their lead. Emily and Hanna waited as Spencer started to head near the casket but she turned around and motioned for them to leave.

He knew though that she wasn't talking to him. He watched as Hanna and Emily reluctantly left, Em turning back and looking at Spencer for a moment before exiting.

His eyes stayed on Spencer though, watching as she slowly approached the coffin, as if it were covered in flames. Her form leaned over the white box, peering inside before snapping back like she'd been electrocuted. Her hand flew up to her mouth. Toby thought she was concealing a sob but suddenly she made a beeline for the women's bathroom, gagging.

"Spencer!" Toby called after her, "Spence!"

Melissa ran in after her, Veronica on her heels. "Spencer," Her mother started but Toby couldn't hear the rest from the other side of the door.

Peter clamped his hand down on Toby's shoulder. "Come on," He jerked his head towards the door. "Let's give them some privacy."

Privacy was the thing the Hastings were good for. Their daughter spent two years being stalked, tormented and threatened and they still thought giving her privacy was a good idea.

Toby merely shook off Peter's hand and pushed the bathroom door open, not caring that he was defying gender laws by entering the girls' bathroom. "Spencer?" He called out, softly.

He heard a loud sob from inside one of the stalls. Her mother and sister were both crowded outside of it, Melissa's face now mildly annoyed. Toby nudged past them, "Sweetheart, please open up," He begged.

All he got in response was a loud gag.

"Honey, please," Veronica called. "We'll go right home and you can get in your pajamas and we can order something for you to eat from-" She was cut off by a choking noise.

"Spencer, please open up," Toby knocked on the stall, a little firmer.

Finally he heard a click and the stall door fell open, revealing Spencer slumped again the side of the stall, vomit on her dress, her make up smeared by tears. "Oh, baby," Toby knelt down and pulled her into his arms, rubbing the back of her head. "It's okay, baby," He whispered.

Spencer began to fall apart on his shoulder, letting out loud sobs that she'd held in for days now.

"I'm right here, baby." He kissed her hair, "I'm right here."

"Toby, I can't do this," Spencer cried out.

"Shhh, Spence," He whispered, remembering how Melissa had comforted her. "Shh, it's alright."

Finally, when she'd exhausted herself enough, she pulled back. Her mom was quick to pull her off the ground, seeming to want to get Spencer out of there. Veronica helped her over the sink and wiped her face with a wet paper towel before cleaning the vomit off her dress.

"Mom," Spencer whispered as her mom threw the paper towel away and cleansed her hands.

"It's okay, honey," She soothed, her voice firm, touching her daughter's face. "I'm here," She said softer, wiping a tear with her thumb, "I'm here and so are your sister and father and Toby," She listed off, adding Toby's name effortlessly, as if it were second nature.

He walked behind Melissa and Veronica as they guided Spencer out of the bathroom, hustling her towards the waiting car. Toby slipped into the back, taking Spencer out of her mom's arms and into his own.

As soon as they arrived back at the house, Toby carted Spencer up the stairs to her room with Veronica on their tail, Peter called take out from Spencer's favorite restaurant and Melissa turned on the Hastings' expensive fireplace to warm the place up.

Toby stood by the bed as Veronica helped Spencer out of the funeral dress, watching Spencer's facial expressions, her breathing, her eyes. Once her mother was gone and she was out of her dress and into a pair of baggy grey sweats and a camisole, both articles Toby had never seen Spencer wear and had no clue she even owned, Spencer sat down quietly, staring Toby's chest instead of his eyes.

"Are you mad at me?" She asked meekly.

Instantly Toby searched for Veronica because he was sure there was no way his girlfriend meant him. "Spence, what are you talking about?"

"I must have embarrassed you-you know," She stuttered, "puking at the service, starting an uproar."

"Spencer," He said her name softly, stretching it out. "There is not a person in the world who couldn't understand your reaction. Your best friend in the world was murdered and you watched-" Instantly, Toby knew saying the words aloud was a mistake, as her already watery eyes spilled over. "Spence, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Its fine, Tobes," She assured, discretely wiping her fallen tears. "It's true, right?" Spencer raised her head to meet his gaze, her eyes begging him a question he didn't know how to answer.

Her expression was so broken, so destroyed, it killed a part of him to see. Never had he seen her so vulnerable. "Come here," He opened his arms to her. "Come here," He said more firmly when she didn't move towards him. Finally, she stood up slowly, choking back her sobs. Toby kept his arms open to her as she walked over to him at her own pace. When she reached him though, she buried herself inside his arms, bawling into his chest. "Baby," he whispered into her hair, unsure of what else he could say.

"This is all my fault," Spencer sobbed into his neck, "all my fault."

It took him a few moments to comprehend what she said, as she was crying so hard but when he understood he pushed her back slightly. "No, Spencer, this could never be your fault," He promised, wiping her tears with his thumbs, cupping her face.

"I-I-I should-d have stopp-ped it-t," She stammered, her eyes producing tears so fast and so hard that she could barely look at him. "I should of-f told Aria-" Her name took the breath right out of Spencer, having to recollect herself for a moment, "I should have told her Ezra was -A sooner. Maybe then this wouldn't have happened."

Toby couldn't take anymore. He gripped Spencer's arms, lifting her up and laying her down on the bed, lying right next to her. "Baby, there's nothing you could have done," He whispered, pulling her to his chest.

Spencer's hysterics didn't stop or even pause but he didn't want them to. He wanted her to get out her feelings, preferably in front of him. He didn't want Spencer hiding anything or holding anything back. "I love you, Spencer," He whispered, kissing her hair forcefully. "I love you, I love you, I love you so much, Spencer."

In response she hugged herself closer to him, pushing her face into his neck. "I love you more," She whispered.

He wanted to promise her it'd be okay. He wanted to reassure her and protect her and make her laugh but he knew he could never do that. He had tried and taken drastic measures to ensure her safety once, only resulting in the opposite. So he had to settle for holding her while she cried, kissing her tears away and declaring his love for her, hoping to help heal the wound.

Much to Toby surprise, a package of tissues magically appeared on Spencer's nightstand a half hour later. Her parents seemed to have become ghosts, no longer visible but left a trail.

Changing position so that Spencer was laying in his lap, her head resting in the crook of his elbow, Toby used the soft tissues to wipe away tear after tear after tear, pressing soft kisses into her forehead, her hair, her cheek, the corner of her mouth. He did anything he could think of to make her feel better, to the point where he was feeding her water, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, kissing her anywhere he could reach, trying so hard to make her tears falter in some way.

Spencer eventually passed out from exhaustion and when she did, Toby gently laid her on her side, spooning her. "I love you so much, Spencer," He whispered, gently, planting another kiss on her neck. "I'll always be here for you. You're my heart, my entire life, my light. I'd do anything for you." He knew she probably could not hear him but just saying the words made him feel better.

When Spencer awoke the next morning, her voice was hoarse and her eyes were puffy but she didn't start crying. Toby gently cupped her elbow and helped her down the stairs, seating her on the couch. "Are you hungry?" He asked, gently, sitting on the coffee table across from her.

Spencer shook her head, just staring off into space. Of course not. She hadn't eaten since before Aria's death and surely wasn't holding an appetite after the funeral. But Toby knew that she was only hurting herself more by not eating. Immediately Toby wanted to go find Ezra and kill him, hang him from a hook and skin him alive, not only for hurting Spencer but for hurting all four girls. The damaging effects of that night were not just going to heal. Emily, Hanna and Spencer would always carry that night with them.

Peter waltzed in after that, hanging up his phone. "Who was that?" Toby asked, just to make conversation.

"Melissa. She moved into a new apartment in Philly."

Toby was surprised to see Spencer raise an eyebrow over that. He hadn't expected her to listen. "So, what? Was Melissa sick of the attention not being on her and had to escape or something?" Spencer snapped at her dad.

Peter grew uncomfortable, "Come on, Spencer-" He started, holding up a hand, his face one of a lawyer.

"No! No, I'm not going to just-" Before she could continue, Veronica was downstairs and sitting on the couch next to Spencer, her hand cupping the back of her head.

"Shhh," She hushed, bringing Spencer's head to her shoulder.

It didn't take long for Spencer to reject the comfort, moving out of her mother's hold as soon as the tears were gone. She stood up quickly, playing cool, like she was nothing more than bored with the living room.

Without a word, she grasped Toby's hand and led him back to her room. "Sorry," She said as soon as she shut the door, plopping down on the red chair. "I had to get out of there."

Toby looked at her, measuring her emotion. "Why, Spence?"

"I was suffocating," She stated blankly.

Instead of letting it go, like he may have yesterday or the day before, he moved to sit across from her, straddling the red ottoman. "Spencer, I need more."

"Well, I don't have more," She said, her voice even as she brought her legs up to her chest.

"All I want is to help you. How can I do that if you won't let me in?" He pushed, taking her hand.

"I'm fine, Toby. I don't need help," She pulled her hand out of his hold. "I'm just fine."

Toby rolled his eyes, annoyance heightening in his system. "Yeah, you're doing just dandy, aren't you? I mean, you've only been chased by psychopaths for two years and lost two of your best friends and had to lie to everyone and give up any plan for the future. Yeah, I bet you're just fine," He snapped.

It wasn't until Spencer smacked his chest that he realized how insensitive his words were.

"Spencer, I'm sorry," He quickly apologized but the damage was done.

Standing up smoothly, she collected some articles of clothing from her closet. "I'm going to shower," She called over her shoulder as she headed down the hall.

She had barely even left his side since he'd brought her home from the hospital. Burying his face in his hands he realized how badly he'd screwed up. The stress of the atmosphere was getting to him and suddenly he had the feeling of the walls closing in on him, like he needed to escape. Almost as an afterthought he realized he was crying.

Standing up without another thought, he took the stairs two at a time and flew out the door, feeling like the air around him was going to pin him to the ground and take the life out of him.

Toby fought the temptation to leave town. Their fight hadn't even escalated enough that either of them started yelling but something about it was different from their usual arguing. Maybe it was the pressure of the Hastings household. Like a house made of Popsicle sticks, the foundation wasn't at all steady and in time it was bound to cave in and collapse.

Maybe it was the feeling of failure that had been stuck in the back of his mind. Spencer had been hurt, emotionally, mentally and physically, so many times but this was definitely the worst he'd seen and a part of him couldn't shake the feeling that this was his fault for not protecting her better, for not looking out for her while she looked out for everyone else.

And a large part of Toby's problem was the anxiety he hadn't been able to really get rid of since bringing her home. Spencer had been there, inches away from the gun and fired bullet. She had been the one who had seen the psychotic man for the person he really was first. She'd witnessed the entire thing and had laid in her best friend's blood, failing to revive her, seeing her murdered.

She, the most independent person he'd ever met, had to be carried from the scene by a parametric. Peter had informed him sometime in the last few days she had to be held down by three different nurses for a doctor to make sure she wasn't wounded herself. She had to be bathed, dressed and held-not that Toby minded or that he wasn't honored that she had allowed him but it wasn't Spencer. His Spencer was more fiercely independent than George Washington in the Revolutionary War.

Arriving to his loft had brought little comfort to his disturbed mood. While debating on turning back and heading over to the Hastings again, before Spencer had time to realize he was gone, Toby realized there was a figure heading towards him. Before it could alarm him, he realized it was his father.

Carrying a small white teddy bear, Daniel Cavanaugh smiled sheepishly at his only child. "This is for Spencer. . . I didn't know what to get...flowers just felt odd," He said awkwardly.

"Dad. . . "Toby gasped, shocked that his dad was here. "Dad, what are you doing here?"

Daniel didn't respond for several minutes, an unsure look in his eyes. Toby, having learned it from Spencer, was now gifted at staring people down until they spoke. Finally, Daniel met his son's gaze. "I went to the funeral with Jenna and Lisa," He stated, looking at his shoes. "I saw you and I saw Spencer. I wanted to say something to you. Especially after she ran out. I'm your dad. I'm supposed to help you in hard times. But," He hesitated. "I realized I had no clue what to say. I haven't met Spencer since you two started dating. I only remember her as a little girl when you guys were in elementary school. And I know that's on me but. . . .I wanted just to tell you that I'm sorry that you're both going through this and I hope Spencer feels better soon."

Toby didn't know why or what came over him but suddenly his dad was no longer the man who went from hugging him as he mourned his mother's death one day to marrying a new woman and abandoning him completely the next. He wasn't the man who had looked at him with disgust and contempt after Jenna claimed he had been forcing himself on her, or the man who wouldn't let him come to church because he didn't want to be associated with him in public. He wasn't the man who had told him he was dead to him on multiple occasions or yelled in his face when he came to him for answers about his mother's death.

No, because underneath all the fights and the raised voices and the hurt feelings and the angry silences that carried on for months even after the arguments had ended, Daniel Cavanaugh was still Toby's father and he'd never get another.

Toby was surprised by how quickly his dad accepted his hug, his hand suddenly on the back of his head, the way it was when he woke him up at fifteen to tell him his mother had passed. And then very quietly Toby heard his dad whisper, "I love you, son," in his ear.

And because that was all Toby ever wanted to hear, he chose to let go of the anger he'd held onto for so long towards his father.

After a minute, both men let go of one another, shaking off any left over emotion. "By the way," Daniel started, casually, "Spencer is very pretty."

Toby laughed slightly. "Yeah, she's beautiful," Pride and admiration colored his voice.

"Much different than that eight year old at summer camp who needed floaties and special goggles and wet herself in the pool," He remarked, handing Toby the stuffed bear he'd been holding.

Toby laughed out loud at the reference, shaking his head. "Spence is a year younger than me so she was only seven at the time," He corrected automatically, habit formed from the last year of dating Spencer Hastings.

Thinking of Spencer reminded Toby of how they'd last left it. Explaining to his dad that he had to take care of something, Toby hurriedly got back into his truck, taking the teddy bear with him, and drove straight back to the Hastings.

The drive back only served in reminding him exactly how clingy Spencer had been lately. How could he just leave her without any sort of goodbye?

His fears were proven true when he saw through the window his girlfriend sobbing and shaking. "Spencer!" He yelled, pounding on the door.

Before he could hit it twice, Peter flung the door open, shoving him inside. "She's a wreck. She came wandering down stairs five minutes after you left and when we told her you ran out, she had a meltdown," Peter motioned towards the sofa where his younger daughter sat, under her mother's arm.

Instantly, Toby was by her side, suddenly getting a feeling of deja vu. This was eerily similar to the night at the hospital. "Spencer," Toby whispered, pushing her hair behind her ear.

Spencer turned to look at him. "You're here?" She croaked, looking at him in disbelief.

Instead of answering her though, Toby leaned in and kissed her cheek, brushing a tear away, then another, then another. "I'm so sorry, Spence. So so very sorry." He whispered, pressing a kiss to the place behind her ear. "I'm here right now and I'm not going anywhere." Her mother looked at them for a moment before unwrapping her arm around Spencer and standing up to give them privacy.

Spencer nodded towards the bear still in Toby's hand, wrapping her arms around his neck, latching on. "What's that?"

Toby laughed a little, looking down at the stuffed toy. "My dad asked me to give this to you."

The look on her face was priceless. "Your dad?"

He handed her the bear, for the first time seeing that it had Spencer sewed into the pillow. "He wanted to do something to help. . .I don't really know," Toby brushed off, shrugging.

Spencer looked up at him, sloppily swiping her hand across her face to remove evidence of tears. "Tell him thank you," She said, trying to repress her sniffles as Toby brought his hand up to rub away her tears gently.

"Tell him yourself. I think he'd like to meet you."

Spencer snorted. "Really? Because he didn't want to meet me when we started dating or anytime in the last-"

"I know, Spence," Toby agreed as he moved to sit next to her on the couch, wrapping an arm around her. "I know," He kissed the top of her head as she leaned into his chest.

Her waterworks didn't start back up like he expected. Instead she just leaned into his chest, subtlety looking around for her parents, who had allusively slipped out the back door.

"We need to talk about happened earlier," Toby stated, looking at the fireplace instead of his girlfriend. "I'm sorry I pushed you like that Spencer. I should have let it go, I know, but. . ."

After a few seconds of silence, Spencer prompted, "But?"

"I just can't stop myself if I think you need help. I want you to lean on me when you need someone but you put on a mask and you try to conceal it."

She laughed, humorlessly. "That's what I do, Tobes. I push people away. It's what I'm really good at," She said dejectedly, letting out a deep breath as if to push away her emotions again.

Pulling away from his hold and leaning forward, Spencer covered her face with her hands. "I don't know how to be different. I have no clue how to let anyone in," She whispered.

Toby's heart broke for her. "Spencer. . ." He whispered, but didn't continue. Then, completely out of the blue, he spoke again. "You know what my dad reminded me of today?"

Spencer slowly craned her head out of her palms and towards him, looking at him confused. "What?"

"Do you remember Camp Saginaw?"

A muddled look overrode her features. "Yeah, I do," She looked at him as if he had three heads. "I haven't thought of Camp Saginaw in years though. I didn't have the best experience there."

"I know."

Her face became more puzzled, "How do you know?"

"I was there, remember?"

Spencer didn't reply, turning to stare straight ahead. "What about summer camp is so important right now, Toby?"

He acted as if she hadn't spoken. "You were seven years old and you knew no one there. Melissa was with the older girls and you were by yourself. You told me once last year that you never took swimming lessons because you'd rather have learned academically," He waited for her to nod in confirmation. "Well, it was swimming day and you were not allowed to stay in your cabin and read Harry Potter, like you wanted to. I remember because I had been there before and was being trained as a junior life guard. They told me to watch you but you wouldn't even get in the water. The lifeguard that was training me tried to get you to just take a step in but you said you didn't know if the water was sanitary. Finally, one of the counselors got you to go but only after you got floaties and custom goggles that didn't squeeze your head." He chuckled, looking at her pursed lips. She knew what happened next. "You went into the water and you struggled to stay floating. You were flapping your arms too hard and panicked when the camp counselor let go. You accidentally peed yourself in the pool." He couldn't hide his smirk as she turned her head away to face forward, clearly repressing an embarrassed laugh. "After that all the other kids were laughing and you looked like you were going to cry. I felt so bad for you but then you just. . .got this fierce look in your eyes and you swam to the side of the pool and took off your floaties and tried to swim without them. I remember thinking how brave you were." He smiled, running a hand through her hair, pushing it back so he could see her face better as she still wasn't facing him. "Then, one moment I'm talking to the life guard about the importance of CPR training, the next he's blowing his whistle. I turned and looked and you were laying at the bottom of the pool. I didn't think, I just jumped in after you and helped two life guards pull you out. They had to give you mouth to mouth and they were so worried you needed an ambulance but you. . ." He paused, shaking his head. "You came back with a vengeance. You started yelling at one of the lifeguards, saying you were looking for Merpeople and you knew for a fact that you saw a Grindylow in the bottom of the pool. You were so angry that they had stopped you before you could capture it. The look on the life guard's face was priceless. He had no clue what to say." Toby moved his hand to rub her shoulder blade. "Do you remember what I said?" Spencer shook her head, although the look on her face implied she did. "I said that the next time you decide to go looking for Merpeople and Grindylow, you had to take me with you."

Spencer shook her head, a smile breaking out across her face despite the fact she was trying to hold it back. "I can't believe you remember that!"

"I can't believe my dad remembered that," Toby grinned back.

She laughed to herself for a second. "So is there a reason you suddenly want to go back down memory lane, Tobes? I mean, we've only been dating for over a year and we've never mentioned Camp Saginaw before."

"I was just thinking. . ." He stated, rubbing the sleeve of her sweater between his thumb and pointer finger, feeling the friction and the cotton.

"About how I wet myself and then drowned in nine feet deep water?" Toby chuckled but didn't respond. After silence for a few minutes, Spencer spoke. "Did it ever happen again?" She asked, softly, looking up at him. "Did I ever drown again?"

He didn't respond at first, moving his hand from her sleeve into her hair, stroking it. "You tell me, sweetheart." When she just looked at him blankly, he added, "You don't need water to be drowning."

Spencer looked at him for a solid minute, her face feeling hot and wet, before she realized she had started to cry again. Without thinking, she climbed into Toby's arms.

She realized unconsciously how well she fit there. Her love. Her safe place to land. The arms, even at just eight years old, that had saved her from drowning.

Spencer began to think she belonged there. Maybe she always had.

Maybe she always will.


End file.
